I haven’t felt very inspired to write recently. I’ve been focused on spending time with my partner and family, and I started a new job. I haven’t been feeling great, and when I feel like that, it benefits me to spend time around my close loved ones. But it’s so difficult that the person I shared the closest bond and connection with isn’t here.
I miss being able to tell my Mum everything. I miss her laugh, I miss her face. I miss the security and support she was able to give me. And honestly, it’s really been getting to me.
I walked past (I’m assuming) a mother and daughter at the train station the other day, and witnessed their short exchange. The daughter was probably 13 or 14, dressed in a pristine school uniform, huge bag on her back and a hockey stick in hand. The mother gave her a hug and said “call me if you need to, have a good day, love you” and watched as her daughter walked away.
I walked away from that exchange with tears in my eyes. How I wish I could have a hug from my Mum and that she could tell me she loves me, wishes me a good day, and reassures me that she’ll always be there. I wish I could call her when I need to, to get her advice, ask her a favour, just hear her voice. I’d love to experience that feeling of undeniable and unconditional love and care from her just one more time.
At the moment, my grief is sparking emotional outbursts for me, and I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because Mum’s house is on the brink of exchange and completion with the buyer, maybe it’s because I’m no longer living there; I feel less connected to her and the life I had there, or that exciting things are happening for me and I can’t tell her. Or it’s probably because it’s really fucking sad that she died, and I miss her terribly.
I’ve borrowed the title of this post from one of Adele’s songs. She wrote the song about her youth, and longing after a childhood that she could go back to. Since Mum has died, the song stirs up really strong emotion for me, the lyrics resonate with me when I have a bad, griefy day. I always sob when I hear it.
“I wish I could live a little more
Look up to the sky, not just the floor
I feel like my life is flashing by
And all I can do is watch and cry
I miss the air, I miss my friends
I miss my mother, I miss it when
Life was a party to be thrown
But that was a million years ago“